Bipolar The Truth the whole truth and nothing but.
I wish I could tell you that living with Bipolar on a daily basis is easy….. It isn’t.
I wish I could tell you that you get used to the mood swings……. You don’t.
For the last two days I have found myself in a dark place, a place from which I thought I had long since escaped, but it would appear that this illness has no plans of letting me off the hook that easy in the very near future.
When I say ” A dark place” I am of course speaking metaphorically, but in the same sense It is as dark a place to me as any cave or black hole. It is a place devoid of laughter and smiles, it is a place that drains the last morsel of energy from your already weak body, it is a place that I fear the most.
It has been a while since I last fell this low on one of my down swings and I thought it would be useful to others if I try to put into words, what it feels like to experience this lowest low swing. Apologies if this does not read very well , I will try to write it the best that my psyche will allow.
The way I feel right at this moment is numb, hollow, fearful and crushed. There is no explanation for why this massive downward shift has occurred, all I know is I felt fine yesterday morning and then couple of hours later, I felt like this.
There is an overwhelming sense of dread that fills my entire being, the kind of feeling that you get when something is about to go disastrously wrong, but of course nothing has gone wrong but the feeling of dread remains. I feel like I have no energy, I just want to lay down and close my eyes. My mind is working overtime but the thoughts that are been produced are clouded and none of them get through to my conscious self. It is hard work to try and talk, whilst visiting my parents I have probably only uttered a dozen words all day. Smiling is an impossibility, I have neither the clarity of mind, nor the motivation to smile or laugh.
I feel terribly sad, but nothing has happened to make me feel this sadness. I can’t cry, it’s almost as if my tear ducts have dried up and it feels like crying would take too much effort to do. As I write this my head is pounding, but I have no headache to speak of. My eyelids are heavy and again I feel weary, yet I have slept and slept the last day or so. There is an air of confusion when I try to think, it is almost like my mind is stopping me from accessing it, in fear that the information it contains will be too much for me to bear.
It is easy to see why so many famous and rich people with bipolar have lost their battles with this illness, it is easy to see how feeling like this for days on end, would destroy a person and make it seem like suicide is the only way out. It does worry me that I may be in that position one day, not now as no matter how bad it gets I could not put my parents through that pain. But what happens when they have gone and it is just me here alone. I have often said that when that time comes I may well choose to end things rather than face life alone.
But I know from past experience that I just have to put up with these low times and hope that they pass quickly and do not linger for days and days. Who knows, tomorrow I could be high as a kite and all this will be a distant memory, this is another reason I have wrote it down in this post, as a reminder to myself of just how bad it gets………..
Thanks for reading